I Have Decided To Compete In The Next Olympics

I have been wondering for years what I really wanted to be when I grew up and I think it has come down to the question, what am I best at doing? After reading about the phenomenal successes of Michael Phelps at the Beijing Summer Olympics I have had an Epiphany. Michael Phelps and I share enough similarities for me to believe I can compete as a professional athlete.

OK, you can stop laughing now. Check this out. I have read Mike’s height and arm span – are the same. And so are mine! He has an oversized trunk. The one I used to take to camp is exactly that, oversized. His legs are shorter than the average person and I don’t need to even go there. Mike swims in his own pool. I have a pool. I also read something about his lactate – well I have some lactose intolerance so, once again, I can be just like Mike (where have we heard that slogan before).

Here’s the best part, and, the clincher. I read Mike’s real secret to his success is his typical daily diet which contains, are you ready – 12,000 calories! Wow! His secret weapon is his diet.

Take, for example, his typical breakfast of three fried-egg sandwiches with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and mayonnaise, two cups of coffee, one five-egg omelet, one bowl of grits, three slices of French toast, and three chocolate-chip pancakes. That was JUST breakfast! Mike’s typical lunch consists of one pound of pasta, two ham-and-cheese sandwiches, and a few energy drinks. And for dinner? How about one pound of pasta, an entire pizza and some energy drinks. Obviously he cuts WAY back at dinner. I figure the energy drinks are to give him the energy he needs to eat all the other stuff he ingests.

But I look at it this way. Over the years I have tried to learn how to play both the violin and piano without a great deal of success with either. I did play some little league baseball but like the kid Paul Stooky of Peter, Paul and Mary sings about I ended up in right field and always was picked to bat last. I was in a play with a serious theme as a Senior in high school about an English cad that kills his aunt and gets a girl pregnant. I changed my voice inflection while delivering some of my lines (in a Cockney accent) and got laughs in places not exactly intended by the playwright…so, I ended up, in business.

But, in looking at what Michael Phelps eats every day, I figure if I cut back, just a little…anything can happen!